An emotional conversation with my mum – aka LOZZA – on the pod. She took me on a journey through her childhood in Leicester in the 60s, to spending her teens in Pakistan in the 70s. We speak about her experience of being dual heritage, raising an only child in an Asian culture and returning to the UK with nothing else but two suitcases. It’s raw, it’s honest but it’s beautiful 🎙️
I have so many lingering thoughts, so many painful memories. Memories that had been disolved and diluted over time as I was caressed with kindness and love. But the hatred, the divide, the terror, it has brought it all back to surface. It’s making me scared, angry and confused.
The constant fear of being “othered”. Othered for the colour of my skin, the roots of my ancestors, the religion I love. Racism, a little current and other times, it’s hate filled tidal waves.
Neither here, nor there. Where do we go? Where is home?
Time and time again, I can’t help but question, over what? The media, the politicians, those heartless beasts creating a rhetoric that’s raising hatred and pain. Causing divide and no long able to control the reign.
Living in a state of freeze or flight and wondering whether the people of colour around me are feeling the same? Are they petrified of what is yet to come. Tensions higher than ever before, making me crave a sense of belonging even more.
Worried about stepping outside of my door. Afraid of the possible risk and anger at the core. This side, that side, our side or their side. The only side I want to belong to is a side of love, nurture and inclusivity.
I may not be good with words, but I am good with feelings that I know. Sharing my emotions knowing that many of you, regardless of the skin of your colour are able to relate to a thing or two.
It’s so triggering for many of us, we are on a journey to find and lose our identities. Time and time again questioning our belonging. Where do we go? Where do we call ‘home’?
Chatting to my 13 year old baby cousin (at her request). She talks about her accomplishments since starting secondary school less than 2 years ago. We talked about bullying, identity and much more. Super proud of the young person she is becoming! Her Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bakingwithmomna?igsh=MWE0eGh6emxrdDhrZw==
Celebrating 9 years of marriage by interviewing a very reluctant guest, my husband. We chat about the love of his life (his bikes) and our views on relationships. Come & join us!
Ahmed’s colleague has sadly been diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease (MND), which is a rare condition affecting the brain and nerves. There isn’t currently a cure for this terminal disease. He is doing two bike rides to raise money for a charity supporting the cause.
In conversation with Sumayyah from The Creative Society Manchester. A conversation about friendships, starting a business, chronic pain and everything in between. Come & join us!
Ramadan special: Grab a cuppa, sit back, and join us as we delve into what Ramadan means to us. Come and listen to us reminisce about our childhoods and chat about the aspects of Ramadan we hold dear to us over chai and baklava.
What better way to celebrate International Women’s Day than to share a story of a woman who has battled and achieved so much in life. This conversation with a stranger will stay with me forever. It was empowering & inspiring in so many ways and has left me feeling in awe of Holly’s journey. We discussed a range of topics including domestic abuse, eating disorders and body image.
It only feels right to share my thoughts on paper as to why I decided to start a podcast and the journey behind it. There has been something quite profound and liberating about being in my 30’s. I really did have the best time in my 20’s, partying, being completely unhinged, travelling and living a life of no responsibilities, sorrows or struggles. And then I entered my 30’s being a complete wreck in terms of my mental health and my daily struggles with anxiety and at times depression. Something that I continue to deal with and perhaps always will. But I was fortunate enough to be raised by wonderful parents who have loved me so much that I have had no choice but to love myself too. That has been life changing for me as it has allowed me to implement coping mechanisms and strategies. Despite the struggles I have always got up and did what I needed to do.
Over time I have changed in more ways than I probably realise and during that process I have lost friends and maybe some family members too. At times that was so difficult to come to terms with, but on reflection I now realise that it is okay for relationships to change. Sometimes if you are not growing together, you are bound to grow apart and flourish on your own. It’s okay for people to start their own separate chapters as long as there wasn’t any malice, intentional hurt and things ended in an amicable way. I will always love and cherish those relationships as at the time they were exactly what I needed and I will always have the memories to hold on to from that time. But relationships, just like many other factors in life are inevitably variable. Perhaps the people that are in my life right now, won’t always be in my future which is okay but I would love to be able to hold onto snippets of the conversations we hold.
Since entering my 30’s, I feel stronger than ever before. I feel better and comfortable in my skin which I know is a privilege. With this sense of confidence, I have unashamedly reached out to strangers and ended up meeting the most inspiring, wonderful and kind people. These individuals have helped me in many ways and supported me through my darkest times. I really wanted to capture these peoples voices, wisdom, knowledge and experience. These thoughts and ideas suddenly led to the idea of starting a podcast! I told myself it needed to be on my 40 before 40 list and here we are.
I spent around a year contemplating the idea of starting a podcast and whether this should be something I keep personal or whether I should make it public. I was sat amongst friends one evening and we were having the most wonderful conversations which made me realise that it is not something I want to keep to myself. The conversations were so raw and there is so much honesty that I wanted to be able to share that with others. I firmly believe in inclusivity and there is so much love to be received and given, so why not share the love? I truly hope that over time people can resonate and be inspired by some of these conversations. The name ‘Tashas Tales’ just felt like the perfect title (no brainer) as it’s something that has been a huge part of my journey for around ten years. From joining in random photo challenges on Instagram in 2013 to sharing travel itineraries on the blog posts.
So far I have recorded 12 episodes and with each episode, I have realised just how special these humans in my life are. Each and every one brings something so unique and special to me. I will be sharing stories of empowering women (and some willing men) and stories of resilience. I want to be bold enough to discuss topics and conversations that are otherwise deemed ‘taboo’.
I have truly loved every single like, comment, reshare, follow and messages about it. I cannot even begin to tell you what a confidence boost it has given me because sharing such vulnerable conversations is really not as easy at it seems. But I am beginning to realise that these conversations are truly necessary. Thank you for being a part of Tashas Tales so far.
If you haven’t already, please do like, follow and share!
Now grab a brew and join me on my journey as I create a safe space for people to have an open and honest chat about all kind of things on a Podcast!
Hey people across the screen! It’s been a little while right? Since I last posted (which was over TWO years ago), I got pregnant and had another baby. It’s true what they say. You lose a little bit of yourself after becoming a mother. Of course, this is not always the case and you don’t lose yourself entirely. But for me it was most definitely true. I lost a bit of me, not even in a negative or a bad way. I lost a bit of me but I gained a whole lot of me. A little more patient, a whole lot more grateful.
Since lockdown and having my second baby, we haven’t been able to travel as much due to life commitments and financial reasons. This blog page was never meant for any financial gain, or for fame or whatever. It was always about my own memories and memoir of stories along the way. Although I have always hoped that maybe one day someone would benefit from the itineraries and travel routes that we were lucky enough to take once upon a time. I sometimes also love looking at all the wonderful moments we captured over the years!
As I touch the keyboards and type without much thought, one thing is for sure. I have truly missed writing and putting my thoughts to a keyboard. This feels like therapy, this feels like my happy place, so here I am. Since motherhood has consumed all five of my senses, that is exactly what I will share. My thoughts, my feelings and all that I feel about becoming a mum.
Motherhood is waking up several times through the night. Sometimes because your child is uneasy or unsettled. But other times just because you want an excuse to check up on them.
Motherhood is craving Nutella on toast but not being able to eat it because your child is allergic to nuts.
Motherhood is sitting down to have a hot mug of tea but just as you take a sip, you hear a little voice saying “poo mummy”. The tea can wait, you don’t want your baby to have a sore bottom. So when you return you drink cold tea, still satisfied and happy your child isn’t constipated.
Mum guilt is the kind of guilt that is unimaginable, unexplainable and quite frankly unbelievable. To me, it’s a bit like grief. It’s the kind of pain that is overwhelming and takes over all aspects of your life. It doesn’t necessarily get any easier, but you grow around it and each stage teaches you a lesson you didn’t know you needed in life.
There are days, when you are physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted and you have nothing else to give. But as a mum, you have no choice but to give. Give and give again. Give every bit of what you have, what you can and even what you don’t have it, you give. And what you get back in return is priceless. The cheeky smiles, twinkling eyes. Those infectious giggles and those loud stomps.
Those are the moments that I cherish and look forward to.
I wear my stretch marks with pride and I want to show off my cellulites as they remind me of how I spent 18 months growing two humans. I don’t want to hide away from my greying hair. I want to show my children that you can love your body, just the way it is. I want them to know that their body is perfect, no matter how it looks. I want them to look after it, care for it but never be ashamed of it.
What a turbulent journey it has been so far. But here we are. A 4 year old and a 1 year old later, I feel so much stronger and happier. I pray to always cherish these moments of gratitude. As I type this, I can already feel my past wounds finally healing, those painful memories fading and the scars becoming a part of my skin. Engraved gracefully in different parts of my body.
Your presence is making me hold onto optimism. I am embracing my strength.
Whilst we have all been fighting and battling with our demons over the last 12 months, I have found freedom, solace and comfort amidst the chaos.
I have been reflecting on how the world around us has changed over the last 12 months, and not in a million years could I have imagined or envisaged that the whole world would come to a standstill. To think that we would be told not to leave our houses or interact with others, not even family! We were told not to see our our friends or our colleagues. In fact the only people we have seen have been strangers, strangers in the park, strangers in the supermarkets. Never did I anticipate that we would be told not to travel, be it national or international. Who would have thought that all the restaurants would be shut around us, for weeks, for months, for almost a year. To be told that we can only leave the house for a maximum of one hour a day. To try and comprehend what has been happening around has truly been incomprehensible.
I have had tough times and this year, trust me. I have had my down days, day where I have spent most of the time crying. I spent five months caring for my now 22 month old toddler whilst working from home. Trying to juggle a toddler, house work and most importantly my sanity. Let’s not forget my marriage too. My husband and I were suddenly in each others pockets, contained within our walls with nowhere to go. Just as we overcame some of those difficulties, my auntie, one of the the closest family I have was taken into hospital. I watched health her deteriorate right in front of my eyes. Oh wait, because of lockdown I could only ‘watch her’ through a screen. I couldn’t visit her, I couldn’t hold her hand. And just like that her battles continued. The only time I got to hold her hand again was when she was taking her last breath. I watched her life slip through my fingers, I could feel her body getting colder within minutes of her soul departing. She fought hard, she fought through three major operations, 21 days of being on a ventilator, but in the end Covid took her life. Covid was the cause of death on her death certificate. And just like that, our beloved Sheena was one of the two million people who lost their lives to this horrific virus. I grieved alone, in a house where I saw my parents locked in their individual bedrooms. I cried alone, as my husband and son were 140 miles away. I wept because I could not hug my grandmother, I was hurt that in auntie Sheena’s last few months I couldn’t be there. To make matters worse, I watched my father go inside an ambulance and waited for days and weeks for him to be discharged. So yes, by all means I know it been difficult.
However, I am not writing this to discuss my sadness. I am sharing this because despite all of the above, the last 12 months were not the toughest months of my life. In fact they were probably one of my most memorable ones, believe it or not. The year after Nael was born was probably the shittiest year for me, yet I’m not allowed to talk about that. I feel nowadays society wants us to fit into boxes and you’re not allowed to share your true feelings or be honest. I had a child and it should have been an amazing time but you know what? It wasn’t. It wasn’t because I found it to be the most difficult time of my life.
I reflect and I realise that 12 months of postpartum prepared me for this pandemic. After giving birth to Nael, I lost myself. I lost who I was, I lost my confidence and felt isolated even when I was around people. My life changed in ways I wasn’t prepared for. (At some point, I will share my feelings and experiences of PND, but not just now. I am still healing and finding myself).
So the lockdowns and the pandemic has given me the opportunity to find myself again. A new me who has grown, developed and taken ownership of my space. I have learnt I enjoy my own company more than anyone else’s and that’s okay. I have learnt to take a step back and enjoy all the little things in life that I took for granted. It has allowed me to be more grateful than ever before. I take gratitude very seriously and make a point of it every single day. The sips of warm tea, my cosy home, the miss match pyjamas and my messy bun.
What I have loved the most has been spending time with Nael. We spent every minute of every day together from March 2020 until July 2020. It helped me overcome my fear that I can’t cope with Nael on my own for the full day. I realised that I don’t NEED to go out to maintain my sanity. It taught me that my sanity can remain intact even in my own home, especially in my own home… that I didn’t need to have several playdates to stimulate him. I finally had to face my fears. I faced them every single day, and slowly I began to realise just how much I enjoy his company and there is nothing to be afraid of anymore. In the end I thrived in spending quality time with him every day (most days). I learnt to be more relaxed. I ‘chilled’ my obsession that he can’t have screen time. I cut myself some slack and even started to give him chocolate without feeling guilty.
The opportunity, allowed me think of so many activities that I could do in the comfort of my own home. From painting to playdoh to puzzles. We played with whatever was around us and sometimes we didn’t even need anything to play with. Our company was enough. No pressure, just pure fun!
I cooked much more during the pandemic. When I missed a cheeky Nandos, or a creamy pasta from Zizzi’s or a spicy firecrackers from Wagamamas, I cooked it. It tasted darn good and it probably cost me half the price if not less. It got me into the habit of cooking fresh food every Sunday. I found it therapeutic, productive and organised. It made me experiment with different foods and took away the stress of ‘what should we eat tonight’ and ending up ordering a take away situations. I batch cooked and froze some food. Sometimes I even gave food to friends.
We managed to get so many things sorted for the house over the last 12 months. We moved to our home in December 2018 and up until March 2019, it pretty much remained a blank canvas. Between December 2018 and March 2019, I was always so occupied, sometimes with my own thoughts and other times feeling obliged in seeing people, entertaining people. But from March 2019 until now, we managed to put up things here and there. We slowly turned our house into a home, personalising it to our likes and taste. We tidied our garage, we got our loft boarded and we turned many flatpacks into shelves and storage. When I say we, I really mean Ahmed. I have never in my life put anything together other than a sentence. I thought about it, and he made it happen.
I enjoyed staying in my pyjamas and reading books. I hadn’t read books in years but it made me fall in love with reading. I looked forward to a new book arriving in the post and opening the packaging. I fell in love with the story of fictional characters that I could relate to. It also connected me to an online book club. Something I have avoided for months as I wasn’t confident that I could contribute anything to a book club.
I have always enjoyed being outdoors, surrounded by nature but during lockdown I realised just how lucky and blessed we were to have so many places near us. We explored so many new places that it didn’t make us feel left out. Our explorations meant lots of picnics, drive thru’s and connecting with strangers. The hellos and good mornings, the smiles from strangers and even conversations about the most random things. Things that make us human. Our love for walking enabled us to connect with a local Muslim walking group. We went to Dunham Massey and Tegg’s Nose. It helped us feel like a part of a wider community. This group also got Ahmed in touch with a cycling group. His love and passion for cycling returned and he now cycles at least once a week for up to 50 miles.
I didn’t see many of my friends. In fact it has probably been over a year since I have met some of my friends. But that’s okay, because we remained in contact. We text. We called. And yes, I even FaceTimed people. And anyone that I haven’t stayed in touch with, well what can I say about that. Everything happens for a reason and some people aren’t meant to stay in our lives forever.
All these things that I am sharing with you all are nothing out of the ordinary, right? They are things we do anyway, but the Lockdowns have made me appreciate these things so much more. I have not come out of the lockdown with a new skill, or some life changing cure to something. And you don’t have to pretend to have all your shit together, no one does. But I guess it has allowed me to be humble, to appreciate the little things in life and most importantly revitalised my spiritually.
I learnt a lot about myself over the last 12 months. The main thing being that I truly enjoy the slow pace of life and what people refer to as ‘slow living’. I enjoy being at home, watering my flowers, drinking tea, reading a book, kissing Nael all day long and making the most of the most simplest things in life. Including washing dishes!
Covid has made me realise how privileged we are in so many ways. I feel like we have become a society and live in a world where we have so many privileges that we take for granted. We take lots of things for granted, our health being the main one. We’re also so fortunate for all the little things, for instance having online delivery with a mere click of a button. Being able to order almost anything, from food to tools to clothes. We are fortunate enough to have these luxuries. Many in the world are not. We’re healthy, we’re warm and we have every thing we need.
We have found ways to adapt. We have used technology to our advantage. We have been kinder to one another. And we have appreciated all those hard working professionals who never got the recognition before.
I was scared to share this post as I didn’t want to rub my happiness in peoples faces. I did not want to come across as being insensitive and not realising just how difficult this time has been. Those parents juggling school work and working from home. Those people who have not seen their friends, their families. The ones who had to cancel their wedding, their parties. The list goes on and I truly empathise with you all. Like you, I have also had my own battles, including the loss of a loved one and parents poor health. So please, don’t think or feel that I am not acknowledging your battles. I am, but I would also love for you to find the positive for you too.
I look back at the 12 months and despite the difficulties, we have actually done so much more than I thought. We attended Zoom weddings, we celebrated Nael’s birthday, we enjoyed a staycation in Wales, we had a photo shoot (no occasion whatsoever, just something fun), plenty of playdates in the parks, a barbecue in the garden for Eid and we even attended an outdoor birthday party.
So, I wanted to share the many positives too. Maybe at least one person reading this will be able to relate. Maybe at least one of you will feel inspired and notice the little things we take for granted. Perhaps we will focus our energy on the more positive things, even if it is just watering the plants.
Tasha's Tales 