The atrocities being committed in Palestine have changed me forever. The images and videos of brutality will haunt me till the very end. Seeing the state of the world and how innocent people are being killed in the most barbaric ways is devastating to say the least. This has been a pivotal moment in my life whereby I have felt a sense of awakening. It has made me question everything, from colonialism to discrimination to my purpose in life. I am realising how fickle and temporary this life is. Over the last year or so, my only way of coping has been to connect spiritually. In doing so, it has made me start a journey of my own. I am beginning to reflect on what ‘spirituality’ means for me.

I have called myself a Muslim my whole life. I’ve ticked boxes that say “Muslim” and “Islam”. But what does it mean to be a Muslim? What does my religion, Islam represent? I had absolutely no idea there is so much learning and unlearning to do. With more emphasis on culture and traditions, I’m not entirely confident there was much “religious” influence growing up. Which is a good and a bad thing. It’s a good thing because now I can wholeheartedly say, it is MY choice to be a Muslim, a choice that I am making as a 35 year old woman. Learning about Islam from scratch and digging deeper into what ‘faith’ means to me has been beautiful. So far, it has been a huge emotional crutch for me in terms of finding peace and solace amidst the chaos of ‘this’ world.

During my teen years I was always embarrassed when discussing my religion, which was significantly blurred by the cultural values. As a mother of two children being raised in the West, I feel a huge sense of responsibility to give them my all. Therefore, it is more important than ever before that I explore my own Muslim identity and my children see that I am no longer afraid or embarrassed of it, but rather incredibly proud.

Additionally, I want to be able to answer questions and be knowledgeable when my children come to me for answers. I don’t want them to be afraid or unsure about who they are, what their beliefs are. In order for that to happen, I need to be proactive and instil this from a young age. It is now or never.

As I find my new identity, I can’t help but wonder what it means for my relationships with people. I am fully aware that moving forward, my mindset, values, lifestyle and ultimately I, will change. Not everyone likes change and not everyone embraces people as they ‘evolve’. So I am aware, it won’t come without its challenges. I have to keep reminding myself that ‘sometimes we grow together and sometimes we grow apart’ and that’s okay.

My curiosity only gets deeper and I cannot unsee what is being shown to me. Each day I’m learning and each day I am amazed at how much more there is to learn and appreciate. As I see the world in a completely different way, I am in awe of its beauty. Islam is allowing me to be more grateful, charitable and reflective. It’s about doing the same thing, but with a new lens.

The word ‘iqra’ means “read/recite” and was the first word revealed to Prophet Muhammad SAW in the Quran. I think it’s so wonderful that as Muslims, so much emphasis has been given to reading and learning. I am most certainly at the very beginning on my journey and having access to different books has been liberating. I am forever grateful to that ‘stranger online’ for their generosity and sending me Islamic books and helping me in getting started.

I am finding that each and every aspect of my life is connected to my religion. Sustainability and spirituality go hand in hand. This is something that I am trying to embrace wholeheartedly. I feel so put off materialistic things and aesthetics.

As I grow older I realise I am someone who thrives from routine, structure, boundaries and discipline. Islam just fits perfectly in my life. The sweetness of sujood five times a day, the peaceful act of prayer. I am enjoying being entirely absorbed by the simplicity of life and its purpose. Each day, my faith is giving me more pleasure and peace. As the days go on, I feel stronger and more hopeful. Perhaps that is why I am jotting down these feelings so I can look back and be pulled back into this bubble of spirituality. A bubble so beautiful, so serene.

I attended a training course a few weeks ago and it was about burn out. The psychotherapist gave us tips on how to cope. He spoke about

I am looking forward to continuing my journey of ‘reading and learning’!

The Hijab journey

Wearing a hijab feels like the natural next step for me. I feel that in order to embrace and enjoy this new phase of my life, I want to immerse myself fully. Growing up I, like many others associated the hijab with oppression, I saw it as being ‘backwards’, I thought it looked unappealing and a fashion disaster. I cannot help but wonder where these thoughts and beliefs stem from? Is it colonialism? is it discrimination? For centuries women have dressed modestly, covering up their bodies and their hair too. So when did it become so frowned upon? I believe there is a huge misconception that women are ‘forced’ to wear a hijab. Whilst yes it does happen, it is not necessarily always the case. Many women choose to wear it and they wear it with pride as it is their safety blanket.

From my understanding and knowledge there are number of reasons why wearing a hijab is recommended. The hijab is mentioned in two Surahs of the Quran (Surah An-Nur and Surah Al-Ahzab). Both these verses speak about modesty and the importance of covering. It’s a way to practice simplicity and modesty within the Islamic faith. For me it is also about the commitment, I see it as a visual representation of where I am at spiritually and what I am striving for. Last but not least, I am beginning to understand the link between the hijab and my muslim identity. It’s a reminder to practice my faith without fear and to focus on what this means to me.

When I lived in Qatar, wearing an Abaya or a hijab was quite the norm so I wore It frequently for the first time in my life. I felt so comfortable and at ease that I started to contemplate wearing it. This was 9 years ago, in those 9 years there was a lot of character building that went on! But recently, the pull felt stronger and stronger to start wearing the hijab. I love my hair and it is probably my one and only favourite physical feature, but strangely enough I’m not sad that I no longer get to have it out.

That feeling of modesty feels extremely grounding and perhaps people may not understand this, but that’s the only way I can describe it. But that’s not just it, practically it has been so straight forward to pray anywhere and everywhere rather than making excuses of forgetting a scarf or digging it out.

I am utterly grateful to have met so many incredible, strong, independent women who happen to wear a hijab. I no longer want to be a part of the problem but a solution to eradicate these misconceptions of what a woman wearing a hijab is like.

I want my daughter to grow up and make that choice for herself, but equally I wish to be the best role model for her. For me, right now it feels like such an honour to wear a hijab loud and proud so my daughter, my son don’t grow up with the negative views I had growing up.

Also I feel that it’s a reflection of me exploring a new part of my identity – I see it as growth. Some people may view this as a crisis, but honestly I feel that it’s liberation.